Too ugly for love
Media requests have become a fairly routine part of my life since 2010, when I was fitted with the i-limb Pulse; a bionic prosthetic arm which allowed me to cut up my own food, tie my shoe laces and do many more things for the first time at the age of 13. Being the youngest person in the world to use one of these devices meant there was a lot of media attention, and I have always seen it necessary to fulfil as many of these requests as possible. Mainly to repay the privilege I have of being lucky enough to afford one of these devices, as well as genuinely enjoying talking about the arm and my story.
But when I was 18, I received the first and only request so far which has made me feel uncomfortable. I was contacted by an assistant producer who wanted to speak with me over the phone about a media opportunity, not an unusual request, but her opening line put my guard up, where it remained for the rest of the conversation:
“Before I tell you about the show, do you mind if I ask if you’re single?” she said.
”Yes,” I replied
“And how long have you been single for?”
“Well I’m 18, so I guess 18 years,” I joked
“Oh so you’re new to the dating game!” She gushed, hardly containing the excitement in her voice.
“One way of putting it,” I replied, not sure that she had detected the sarcasm coming from me as I held the conversation during my school lunch break in the playground.
“Before I tell you the details, I would like to stress how tastefully the show is shot.”
She continued to tell me about how careful they were to create a “heart-warming and uplifting documentary series about relationships” which she would like me to be a part of. As I had already guessed, the show was not just any dating program but rather one for people with disabilities. I instantly did not feel as though I would be appropriate for this show, nor did I think this show was appropriate for me for the simple reason that I do not classify myself as disabled for two main reasons:
Firstly, I like to think of myself as much more than having an absence of limbs and digits - I'm a human being, a friend, a student, avid Tottenham Hotspur fan etc. The list could go on but the point is I am many things before a simple medical condition, and I have always thought it important to not let disability define me.
The second, and far better reason, is that there is nothing I am unable to do that I want to do, so where is the lack of ability? What is my lack of limbs preventing me from doing which puts me in this assumptive box?
So, as I don’t consider myself disabled - and even if I did, I don’t think a disabled dating show is the correct way of representing oneself - I politely declined the offer, saying that I was “a few years too young”, which was also true – dating at that age consisted more of friends taking photos of you at house parties than being filmed having dinner for two.
A year later, I was binge-watching a similarly themed dating programme called “The Undateables”, where people with physical and mental conditions are matched through a dating agency to help the participants find love. I thought this show was extremely well-shot, sensitive around tough issues and most importantly uplifting, despite social media’s predictably mocking take on it. I was curious as to whether I had been asked to go on it myself. I scrolled through my emails with the assistant producer and realised the name of the show had never been mentioned, and the clips of the show that I was sent were mere snippets, and not links to entire episodes. I did some detective work through LinkedIn and matched the production company she worked with to the only dating show she had worked on, and discovered that the show I was asked to go on, aged 18, was “Too Ugly for Love?”.
My first thought upon reading the title was the shock that there was actually a TV show made with that title, and this shock was swiftly followed by the saddening realisation that I had been asked to go on a show with such a title. Being a confident young man, I was not too personally offended yet it took me some time to work out why the title was so awful; after all, wasn't it just another brick in the wall of the click-bait, shock factor world we live in? No. I decided the title of the show was evil for two main reasons:
The show suggests that love is something which only good-looking people are worthy of, and by virtue of the question mark in the title, it asks viewers to decide for themselves whether the person really is too ugly for love, or whether they are just attractive enough to pass. Growing up in a loving environment, I was taught that love was something everybody has in common and it was inner beauty that really decided how worthy one was of love. The title of the show, I believe, is vastly different to “The Undateables” as the people appearing on it have been previously deemed undateable, and the show is trying to prove the opposite. "Too Ugly for Love?” could be agreeing with society's determination if the person doesn't find love on their show.
The second issue with the title is that the subjects of the show all have disabilities/insecurities to varying degrees, and are most likely on the show because of how their conditions have affected their confidence. Is it really morally right to compound their lack of confidence by targeting weakened people and asking them to appear on “Too Ugly for Love?”? Surely the aim of such a program should be to inspire these people with the confidence they lack? I am sure the producers would argue that they are merely echoing the thoughts of those on the show, but wouldn’t a better idea be to tell them they are wrong, whilst also telling the world how wrong they were to ever think that of themselves?
Whilst I am now 20 and still haven’t had a girlfriend, I do see the irony of me writing about dating advice, but I know a few things. I know these things cannot be rushed, and that all you can do is be yourself and hope you meet someone who appreciates your quirkiest qualities and your biggest flaws, as you do theirs. Whilst I accept I could be totally wrong, the show follows their chosen singletons "as they adopt different strategies to hide their conditions”, but how can any relationship start off with dishonesty? And why is this incorrect view reinforced on television? I do not think that it is healthy to broadcast the message to society that hiding your imperfections is the key to happiness.
I am fortunate to have had an amazing upbringing, being surrounded by a large, close family as well as a fantastic group of friends. This has meant I have always been confident about being an amputee, always happy to talk about it, show off my prostheses and have open conversations about what happened. I have never let anything too serious affect me, but after being asked to go on “Too Ugly for Love?”, I must confess I have felt pressured to prove the judgement of the producers wrong which probably hasn’t helped me in my endeavours.
Media requests have been part of my life for seven years now, and I have felt that whenever I have made an appearance, I have always tried to portray disability the way it should be presented in the 21st century: open conversations, approachability and overall developing conversations to promote understanding. I believe the title “Too Ugly for Love?” markets outdated attitudes towards disability to the modern, social media age we now live in. Provocative titles are designed to draw as many viewers in as possible, but they should not be jokes made at the expense of those appearing on the show, especially when you assume they are low on confidence. To quote the great Al Pacino: “There is nothin’ like the sight of an amputated spirit, there is no prosthetic for that.”